Throw Up Thursdays: Is this how SNL writers feel?

I'mma schism the interwebs with my new brainchild "THROW UP Thursdays," where a THROWback I UPdate in a better, more entertaining version of "Reacts."

This is my old text, in normal, Arial font.

THIS IS MY NEW TEXT, IN CAPS.

Jerry Springer: The Anna I LOVE HOW I ASSUME YOU JUST KNOW WHICH ANNA and Sergei/Pavel/Insert Name AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, PENIS Here Saga

Before You Proceed: If you have a low tolerance level, heed my forewarning. My sense of humour GENEROUS often knows no boundaries; it can be downright hilarious (maybe wishful thinking…), embarrassingly pathetic MORE LIKELY, repulsively insensitive MOST LIKELY, or all of the above. >>>>>

Have the outrageous, lunatic guests on Jerry Springer ONLY RIVALED BY MAURY ever fascinated you for hours on end (boring spring break that year, okay…META META)? How would the Anna and Sergei/Pavel/Insert Name Here saga unfold on the Springer stage? Somewhat challenged in the imagination department LIKE ME? Fear not, for I have done all the MEDIOCRE work for you…

Jerry: On today’s show, “Rich Russian Women About To Be Married To Rich Russian Hockey Players But Have A Sexy Secret To Tell.” SNL, EAT YOUR HEART OUT. Our next guest is a celebrity. Please welcome, tennis player Anna Kournikova!

Anna: Jerry, daHrling! {kisses him on either cheek}

Jerry: Anna, tell us a bit about yourself. With Wimbledon on right now, how did you manage the time to come on our show? JERRY IS CULTURED, BRUH.

Anna: Well Jerry, I am a beautiful woman who grew up in Russia, and I play tennis WITH BALLS! I am here because…Well…I missed my opponent’s serve on her match point…On purpose of course, so I could be here today! ANNA LEGIT COULD NEVER WIN BACK WHEN I WROTE THIS. And the officials at Wimbledon said that I could try again next year! Not everyone gets invited back, only the best of the best…So I am so very happy to be able to go again next year. THIS ALL READS SO DIFFERENTLY THAN WHAT I HAD WANTED. IN TODAY'S WORLD, SHE SEEMS POSITIVELY OPTIMISTIC. I WAS AIMING FOR CLUELESS :/

Jerry: How lucky are we audience?! To think Anna purposely missed her match point to be on our show! AGAIN, JERRY'S INTENDED SARCASM COMES ACROSS AS WHO KNOWS WHAT. Well, let’s get on with it, shall we? It doesn’t matter how Anna got here, it just matters why she is here. As you know, today’s show is about “Rich Russian Sluts AHH THERE WE GO, I mean Women About To Be Married To Rich Russian Hockey Players But Have A Sexy Secret To Tell.”

Anna: Yes, I have a sexy secret to tell to my fiancé, Pavel Bure of the Florida Panthers. I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. THEY WERE ENGAGED?!

Jerry: Well, let’s bring out Pavel Bure first then! {ever so dorky and ugly WHAT IS THIS? I ALWAYS FOUND HIM TO BE GORGEOUS, SO ... THIS IS SO WEIRD. Pavel Bure walks out and does his Miss America Pageant wave}

THIS IS ANOTHER TO BE CONTINUED. I'M TOO LAZY TO UPDATE MORE THAN ONE SCREENSHOT, CAUSE "LIFE."